Oh, look, another celebrity divorce.

Opening up a weekly magazine, I read about another celebrity getting a divorce, but oh hey, they lasted 2 years.

I was recently asked if i was happily married, so i asked "Right now?"

"Yes." She said.

"Right now, yes, I'm happily married.  Wait an hour, see if he's pissed me off again."

Bobby Bowden, coach of the Florida State Football team said it best:

"I've had 47 wonderful years of marriage.  We've been 52, but 47 of those years were wonderful"

I love my husband, i truly do.  He is a great dad to our kids, he is an amazing minister and teacher.   He's also a man.  And there are times i think "If men are from mars and women are from venus, send the men back to mars and we women would be alright."

Marriage isn't supposed to be all hunky dory.  There are ups and downs and ups again.  It's like a roller coaster -  there are times you're so high, you are so in love, you see your spouse and your heart jumps a beat and you get all happy inside.  Then, there are times you are in such a deep valley, you can't stand the sound of their voice.  They sing and you want to wrap your arms around their neck and just give it a good squeeze.

Hollywood with all their happy marriages and quick divorces, that ain't real life.  Real life is sticking in and sticking tight.   Walking through the muck of the bad days, months and even year.  Look at your kids and remember, "There was a time i loved that person so much we created that perfect child together.  We made a vow to stick together through thick and thin, till death to us part."

In the same magazine, i saw that friends were saying that Jennifer Lopez was so happy with A-Rod that if he asked her to marry him today, she would say yes.   Really?  This woman who has been married three times in 20 years, one marriage lasted one year, another 2 years, and let's not forget the time she was with Ben Affleck - but having been dating A-Rod for three months, she would marry him.  

What kind of message is she sending about marriage?  

I'm not perfect, Tim is my second marriage, and i've wondered if we had stuck with it, maybe tried counseling, anything, would it have lasted?   But he's now happily married to a great woman, and i have Tim and we've raised 4 amazing kids together.

I've heard it said that most divorces happen in the 7th, 12th and 20th year of marriage.  Well, Tim and i passed those marks. but dang, i still want to slap him silly some times.

When he frustrates me, i think, "I love my husband, i love my husband, i love my husband."  There are times i keep repeating that until i can breathe again.

Do i think some marriages are just done and can't be repaired, sadly yes.  But i also know way too many marriages were thrown away because someone thought the grass was greener on the other side.  Either side, the grass still needs to be mown, fertilized and weeded - bad times - need to be pulled.   It needs to be tended to, so it can grown into a healthy green lawn.

Last night Tim and i were out on a date and we met another couple.  They have 3 kids, the oldest i believe was 16, and they said they often come to the place we were at.   They spent time together as a couple - laughing, drinking, meeting another couple and sharing funny stories together.

My biggest piece of advice -  remove the words "YOU ALWAYS" and "DIVORCE" from your vocabulary.  No more "well you always do this" and "You always do that."  Each day is fresh and yes, they will always do something wrong and it was grate on your nerves like  no tomorrow.  Well, guaranteed, you do something that drives that person crazy, too.  You are two completely different people and no way can you have everything in common and after years of marriage, that person is still going to do the thing that irritates the crap out of you.

And if you completely over-react about something that person does, think "WHY?"  Why does that action, that motion, that habit send me over the edge.   Then look in the mirror, because the issue might be with you, not that persons habit,

I know when Tim plans something out of the blue and i'm asked to just go along with it...and something goes wrong - i became an ugly person, i get upset, i yell, and i blame him for not being perfect and making sure everything was ready before we set out.

After a lot of prayer and self-examination, i acknowledge the problem was me.  I can't handle when things are out of my control and things go wrong that i have no control over.  As a child of alcoholic parents, things happened all the time. nothing was in my control and things were never stable or straight forward.  And i had no control to fix it.  Now, i don't blame my childhood for my screaming at Tim.  The problem is me and i need to deal with it for the sake of my kids and my marriage.

If you are standing on that edge and thinking "I can't do it anymore," i'm here, let's talk.

I'm here.

I love you.

All my trophies, which are important to me?

So, we were making room for Ben's trophies, and then i noticed Nathan had several trophies in his closet and Tim has his pool trophies in our room...and i was thinking...what trophies are important?
Trophies for sports and accomplishments are amazing, but you can't take them with you.

I have a box of trophies from past accomplishments, and they are just shoved in a box in the attic, or already at the dump.
And i can't take them with me.
What if trophies were given out for good deeds?
What if trophies were given out for being kind?
What if trophies were given out for being a true Christian and spreading His Word?
Would everyone want them?
If God gave a BIG HUGE 1st Place trophy for every time someone was kind to a stranger? 
If Jesus handed a trophy to a person who witnessed in His name?
If Our Father handed out a plaque for stepping up when someone was being bullied, harassed or helping someone who was so down they were suicidal?
So, let's say God did, let's say Jesus had a trophy He was ready to hand out - - - how many trophies would i have?  Would i have a trophy for my character?  Would i have several trophies for being kind to others?   Would i have a plaque for reaching out to others when they are down and out?
The brass and silver on a shelf is nice, but a pat on the back from God goes a lot farther.
Actually, it goes so far....it goes all the way up to heaven.   Living by HIS example, living for HIM, and knowing that God is saying "Well done, good and faithful servant."
That is the only trophy i really need.
I love you. 

doing dishes...scrubbing bathrooms.....folding laundry

So, i was talking to several friends, and every time i asked "what are you doing?" the answer included chores...the laundry, the dishes, the toilets, the windows....and the list just went on.  As women, our life revolves around the house, the kids, the hubby, the job, the kids the dishes the laundry the billsthekidsthedishesthehubbythesheetsthevacuming....lalala.
And it all seems so THANKLESS.   and such a waste of time...because we can scrub the kitchen clean, but as soon as the kids get home, and dinner starts...it is trashed again.  And wow, you just want to SCREAM!
It's a "Hi, i feel unappreciated" moment.
The kids aren't going to say "thank you" every time they walk in the door and see the house done.  Or clean laundry on their bed.  Or you pack a lunch full of their favorites.  It just isn't going to happen. 
We can rebel, and not make dinner, or sort socks, or pack a nice lunch. 
And darling spouse isn't going to remember to hug and kiss you every time an amazing meal shows up on the table, or he has clean underwear as soon as he opens his drawer.  
We can stop doing it all....
And what does that solve?  
I admit, there are times, i just want to lose it.  I spend hours cleaning my house, it smells fantastic, looks amazing...and they come home.
And i wonder, did they even NOTICE!?!
After almost 30 years of parenting, i have had to accept the fact that the only one who truly appreciates all the work i do...is me.
while my family does appreciate being able to find things...and have underwear when they need it...and shampoo in the shower...and lunch in their lunchbox, they aren't going to appreciate it every day....they will years from now, when they are the ones doing the laundry, scrubbing or reaching into an empty underwear drawer, but today it is just something that is there and in their life.
And i am okay with that.  Because that means my kids are secure.  They are secure in the fact that mom will take care of them, make sure they have what they need when they need it.  And when i miss a step...or 10, they notice...and they yell "MOM! where are my socks?!?"  And usually, socks appear, flying across the house towards them.  And they sometimes even mutter "thanks" as they get ready for their happy day.
Right now, i get the satisfaction of seeing my house clean until everyone comes home.   And years from now, i know my kids will be thinking of me, when  their kids destroy their home, when the socks are missing, the dinner is on the stove and they and wondering if anyone notices all they have done that day.
And they might even call me and say "mom, i don't know how you did it all"
and i will smile.
I love you.

Photoshop Fails

Yesterday, while scrolling around on the computer, waiting for my next shift, i saw a headline "biggest photoshop fails" so i clicked to see what it was about.   And my heart cracked.
The site was full of people trying to "improve" their body, and failing miserably.   And i couldn't laugh, i just thought...jeepers, how sad.   Girls thinning their waistline, men making their abs stand out, or giving themselves bigger muscles, girls enhancing this and removing that....no one was happy with their body. 
No one was happy with their body.   How sad is that? 
Years ago, God gave me a message.  I was teaching bible study for middle schoolers and i was stunned with the nasty comments and the cutting down they were doing for each other.  So i prayed, and i prayed, asking for help on how to tell them that it was wrong, cutting people and teasing and hurting...was against HIS will.
And HE gave me a message, which i showed to my students the following sunday.
First, i drew a picture and if anyone has seen my drawings, you are currently laughing, because I can't draw to save my life.
And in class, i showed the kids my picture and told them i drew a self portrait, what did they think?  And they laughed.  They laughed out loud, pointing at my picture and just roaring.  So then, i said "Okay, but what are you laughing at?  This piece of paper?  Or are you laughing at me, because i drew the picture?"  They all agreed they were laughing at me and how bad an artist i am.  "Okay," i said.  "So when you are laughing and making fun of another person, are you laughing at them, or are you laughing at the artist, who drew that person?"  They said nothing.  "Because GOD drew each and every person on this earth.  He designed them, just the way He wanted them to be, with their red hair, or freckles, or long legs, or strange voice, or their hunchback.  HE drew them...and if you are laughing at them, picking on them, teasing them...you are making fun of GOD."  The room was completely silent.  "And how does that make you feel?" I finished.  Several of them admitted they felt horrible.  The following sunday, a few came up to me and told me they apologized to a classmate for their actions.

I wish that message could be shouted from the rooftops - GOD MADE YOU PERFECT!! 

I know how hard it is, God didn't make me the stunning beauty i wanted to be.  I was too heavy, too bland, freckles, straight boring hair...oh, and big feet.   Now, at the ripe old age of 50, i see that physical beauty doesn't matter to those who love me.  My true friends see me as a fun, pretty, loving person.  My husband says i am beautiful (i know i look AMAZING when he doesn't have his contacts in).  My children only see the love i have for them, and that makes me pretty in their eyes.

If i knew then what i know now...that those people in my life that mattered thought i was great, pretty and just fine.   Those who weren't meant to be in my life saw what they wanted to see and found me lacking...and their opinion shouldn't have mattered so much to me. 

To see kids photoshopping themselves to deformity, so sad.  All i can do is pray that someone reminds them that God made them PERFECT in HIS eyes....and i ain't going to argue with God. 

Guilty Conscience

Funny, isn't it?  When you walk into a room and people stop talking...and you are convinced they were talking about you.  Or someone posts something nasty on Facebook towards the world in general, and you are convinced it is directed at you.  Or you call someone, and they don't pick up the phone, and you know it is because they don't want to talk to you.  Or someone says "I need to talk to you." and you are convinced it is because you did something wrong?   Or someone barely talks to you, and you are convinced it is because they really don't like you, or that you did something to offend them.

That's me.  I always have the feeling i have done something to offend someone, or that they are angry at me, or that they are avoiding me, because they really don't like me.

Sometimes, it occurs to me...hey, the world doesn't revolve around me.  I am not so important that people are talking about me all the time.   Or that someone doesn't come up and talk to me because..gee, they might be going through something stressful and are distracted.   And that "Hey, i need to talk to you," just might be something good and they want to tell me all about it.

I sincerely stress myself out over what others may or may not think of me.  How stupid is that?  Should it bother me if someone thinks i don't fit their model of an ideal friend?  Or that that my body isn't good enough for them?  Or that they don't like my children?  Or that ..or that....or that....or that...my list can go on.

I am what God made me.  I can improve myself, i can do things to make my life better, BUT it is NOT my job to make my life perfect for someone else.   If someone doesn't like the way i laugh, or the type of books i read, or the way i look....oh well.  Then that person is not meant to be my friend.

And if people stop talking when i walk in the room...it can be because "DANG I LOOK GOOD!"   If someone doesn't answer the phone, it can be because they are working, or spending time with their kids, or lost their phone...all of which are the reason i don't answer the phone.

If someone posts something angry on facebook, oh hey, they have over 800 friends...chances are, it isn't about me.

I need to lighten up on myself.  I need to stop feeling guilty, or bad, or ashamed or ...whatever.  I am who i am.   i like me.

I love you.  
  

Be YOU, not who they want you to be.

School is starting again, and once again, the peer pressure will at times overwhelm you.  Kids will want to you do things you don't normally do, act like you don't normally act and change to meet their standards.   This is my advice to you, if someone wants you to change so much to meet their requirements, they are not your friends.  Friends accept you for who you are, they like you for your looks, actions, attitudes, hobbies, they like YOU.
You are made the way you are supposed to be.   It might be hard to find friends like you, but there are people like you.   People who are trying to fit in someone else's mold because they are desperate to be friends.  
Be who you are and show who you are.  If you like to play card games, bring them to the lunch table, someone is bound to say "Hey, you do that? So do i!"  If you like a certain tv show, wear a shirt or bring a book about it, someone who likes the same thing will notice and you can start a conversation.  My first good friends in high school wrote, like me.  Then i found friends who were into environmental quality, and i found this amazing group called SEQ - students for environmental quality, and we became friends.  If there isn't a club or program that matches your liking, talk to the school about starting one.
Don't be someone else, people love you for who you are.    I love you, and i am always here for you.

Happy Friday....get well soon please.

Reading my facebook and the prayer chains i am part of, i was stunned by how many people are ill...mentally and physically.  Some are dealing with summer colds - and let's face it, if you have a winter cold, people can sympathise, but if you have a summer cold...where is the chicken soup???   Some are battling other health issues, some are just so worn down mentally, they are sincerely struggling.  Sadly, many are just tired...tired of the constant struggles.  Financially, they will never see the end of the bills, emotionally, they are dealing with depression, feeling unloved, dealing with teenagers, sick kids, job struggles, marriage struggles.

And when you are depressed, tired, sick, worn down, you feel so incredibly alone.   God is far away, none of your friends pick up their phone, no one seems to answer their email or they are on vacation, a vacation you can't afford or take time to go on.  

You aren't alone.

When we are down, satan is at his strongest.  He tears into you, hitting you on all your weak spots, finding your vunerable spots and exploiting your pain.  That is when you scream OUT LOUD for God to hold you tight in HIS arms.  You call someone, and don't call once, call again, so if they aren't available right away, they will see you called several times and know you need them.   You are not allowed, but satan wants you to believe you are.  You have friends, but satan wants you to believe they don't care of you.   God is always with you, He will never leave you.  

Fight for the right to be happy, He loves you and so do i.

Good Morning Lord.

Today, I spent a lot of time praying for kids about to go back to school who are looking at it with dread and fear.  I used to love/hate school.  I loved getting out of the house, away from the issues there, but i hated going to school and dealing with the issues there.  Let's face it, there have always been mean kids and kids who were bullied. 
But now, it is so much worse.   There are kids who can't get away anywhere from the bullying day after day.   Kids use text and the internet to attack each other.  Some of our children can't find peace anywhere and so they harm themselves, or kill themselves, hoping to end the pain.
I pray for the kids who eat alone at lunch, who tried to hide their daily pain by covering their faces with a book, hoping no one notices them.  I pray for the kids who take every mean word to heart and believe they are no good and deserve to be picked on all day.
I am praying for the kid who sees no way out and can't find anyone to help them.
I am praying for the child who thinks harming themselves is the way to ease the pain that is building up inside.
And i am asking the Lord to put me in a childs path that is so lost, they need to see someone who will unconditionally love them and help them through the darkness. 
I am praying for the bully that is acting out because this is all they see at home...they are picked on and brought down, so they do the same.
Lord, i ask you help me be there, for my own kids when they are down, and other kids who are looking for someone to care for them.  Help our children see they are not alone, there are people who want to be there for them. 
Lord, help me be a better mother, friend, companion and helper.  Help me help those that are hurting, the way some helped me, when i had fallen down and couldn't find the strength to stand back up again.  Amen.
I love you. 

love heals

Hi Lord,
Today I had to say goodbye to a lady that has been part of my life for well over a decade, and while driving to the church,  I mentioned to Tim that it seems to be a time in our life where our friends are leaving us.   In one day,  two friends passed away.   On one hand,  I am devastated, on the other hand, I am happy there is no more pain,  they have reached their goal of heaven.   It is hard to cry when I imagine them as cancer free, dancing with their family who have already passed on.
But how long will it be before I don't open my email and expect a joke from jean, or sit down and start writing a letter to Annie?  
I found myself paying for friends and classmates.   I lost both my parents years ago,  I have adjusted to the feeling of being an orphan.   Several are now dealing with their parents being ill,  struggling with a variety of health issues. So many are losing the ones closest to them and are struggling with depression,  loss and loneliness.
I don't know who came up with time heals all wounds,  but I found love heals better than time.   My friends love and support healed me.  Knowing I am not alone,  that heals me.  And I pray I can be the for others.
You are never alone.   I love you.

Emotional Healing

Hi Lord....
Today is your day of rest. .. yet so many of my friends are struggling to rest their heart and mind.   So many stress points keep them up at night,  they get out of bed exhausted, and force themselves to go through the day.  They are using caffeine , sugar and 5 hour energy to keep going every day.   Lord,  please help us help each other.   Help us lean on each other,  strengthen each other and share what we have to give each other a full night of sleep.   I thank You for all I have been blessed with,  the people you have placed in my life and have made my life easier.   I pray I am a blessing to others.   I will pray for those who don't know that they have others near by to help them.   Help me,  help us, help them have a full night sleep.   I love you.

Hello Lord, How are You Today?

So, this morning, during my prayer time, i was asking God who needed prayer - and he said "everyone."  I must admit, that took me back for a second...EVERYONE, LORD?   really?

yes, everyone.

Right now, the world is spinning with the suicide of Robin Williams, and everyone i know has someone in their life that fights this awful disease.  They know someone who doesn't know how to breathe, because the darkness around them is so fierce, so horrible, they literally can't breathe.
And it is made worse by those who don't understand, who think it is just a phase someone is going through and they need to "snap out of it."
I went through ppd after i had Nate.  Oh my gosh, it was horrible.  I couldn't stop crying and everything seemed to fall in my path to make it worse.  Right after he was born, we received the death certificate of family murdered in concentration camps.  The boy was 2 years, 11 months.  I was holding my son, imaging him being dragged away and murdered.  Then the history channel had a show about concentration camps and had a scene in the gas chamber.  After being hysterical for about an hour, i cancelled the channel.  I still have bouts, and chose to take medication instead of suffering.
I realize now, that is what my mother had.  That is why she drank and took so many pills, she did what she did to try to battle away the walls of pain.  I wonder if my mother ever knew true happiness, people she grew up with in holland said she always was different, never satisfied.

Our military boys, all coming back, dealing with PTSD.   How many of them are dying a day, because they aren't getting the help they need?

How many families are ruined due to the blackness of depression?  How many kids don't know what a happy home is like because of depression?  How many friends do i personally have, that can barely get out of bed in the morning?

So i prayed.  And i prayed some more.

And i will keep praying for my family, my friends, my community, the world, that people in pain will reach out...and touch someone who cares.